she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
I would've fucked Winston Churchill - rode that D like I was going into battle.
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
