Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
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apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
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Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
He kept walking up to every girl at the party saying "Hi, I'm George Clooney. No I won't marry you." He left with three girls.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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