Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
New low. I just threw up in the shower at 4pm. Nothing like leaving behind my 20s with class.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I think one of my ovaries is committing suicide. But that is a topic for another day.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
