I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
You made out with two different species that night
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
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