Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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