An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
Randomize
