Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
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