My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize
