I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
