you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
