I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I can pinpoint my loss of innocence as the moment I started masturbating with my teddy bears
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
I touched a dick in church today
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
