Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.
we were totes just talking about. huu in the bathbub. 5 girlszzz
It's that time of night again when I start to think I'm really funny, but no one else is as drunk as I am so they all start avoiding me.
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
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