There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
