I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
