I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I just woke up on the living room floor at my parents house. The last thing I remember was making a scene at Buffalo Wild Wings because our waitress "Sent the game into overtime" with a 0-0 score
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Randomize
