pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
he like comes into my room and is like..."can you fix my pants" and then just drops trou
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
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