there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Hey man. We haven't met but my name is Ben. I threw up a bunch at your house last night. I heard you smoke though so I'll smoke you out anytime.
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
Randomize
