You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
It would be like a dance party with a dick inside you. I think that's what Ke$ha wants for the world.
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
