My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Yea he was still drunk. He wore a Toga to his job interview.
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
Randomize
