im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I DONT HAVE A FUCKING JOB RIGHT NOW. DO YOU THINK I HAVE TIME TO WASTE GOING BACK AND FORTH WITH SOMEONE WHOS LYING, ABOUT LYING, AND JUST BEING A LIAR? HONESTLY, YES I DO HAVE TIME. BUT I HAVE A FUCKING LOT BETTER THINGS I COULD BE WASTING MY TIME DOING. LIKE ORGANIZING MY POKEMON CARD COLLECTION.
Randomize
