Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
