I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
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