My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
