i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
