This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
