Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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