I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
Nana added me on facebook...i think i'll have to call her and warn her about my lifestyle before i confirm her as a friend.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
