Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
