i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
This morning is cloudy with a high chance of vomiting all over the dentist. Stay tuned for further updates.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
