ok what kind of idiot turns down casual afternoon sex?
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Randomize
