whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
The time to say "now you can't go and be strange about this at work" is not as you are penetrating your coworker. NOW its awkward
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
It may be a corded vibrator from the 90s but it gets the job DONE
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
