got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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