The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
Donna and I are betting on whether or not you are going to cheat on your boyfriend tonight....I said you wouldnt do it.
You might as well just give her the money now.
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I LOVE DRINKING BOOZE OUT OF A FUCKING LAMP
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
Randomize
