i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize