i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I just forgot I was standing up.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
I thought the dude was just really enjoying his piss but apparently he was jerkin off into the urinal.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
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