this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
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