Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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