when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
