I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
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