The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Mom said you looked used
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Randomize
