I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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