You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
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Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
Would it be playing god to put spaghetti on my pizza?
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
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