So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I responded like every reasonable adult would. With a gif
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
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