When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
If he's the sort of guy that will fuck in a public restroom, he's the sort of guy that will cheat on his gf. I'm goin for it.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
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