Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Black magic does not go near my vagina, it's a rule
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
