I'd wear matching sweaters with you
your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Randomize
