Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
