oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
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