I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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