I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Well it was okay until he pinned my arms over my head and I found the loaded pistol tucked behind the bed... THIS IS WHY WE DON'T FUCK BOYS IN MONTANA ANYMORE
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