I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Remind me to tell you how I've been deaf since Sunday at 1245
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
