I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
this beer tastes like vomit already
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
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