If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
