I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
I just puked in an auto zone parking lot. I'm never eating peanut butter and red wine for dinner again.
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I remember walking into a bathroom stall that had a couple fucking in it and giving them a condom and a thumbs up and then leaving
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
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