Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
You took a bar mat shot.
i think maybe i'll just not watch it. i'd rather not think of you as a magical transforming set of dick holes.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
Randomize
