I dont know why I dont listen to you more often. He wont stop texting me. And his signature is "dancing with no panties on"
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
his mom walked in while he was eating me out. and my vag was facing the door. luckily his face was in it.
Randomize
