i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
we're making bets on your personal life
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
look in the field by the highway and see if there is a high heel there. Or some Taco Bell bags.
eating on the run again ?
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
