i can't believe i had my finger in that
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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