I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
