note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
he was pretty good aside from the whole putting his tongue on my butt thing
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I HAVENT HAD A NICE A NICE DICK SINCE FEBRUARY!! I WANNA KEEP THIS ONE!!!
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
