how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
We got really high and he took a green marker and made my vagina into a Christmas tree.
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
