im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I am midnight drunk by noon
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
Randomize
