Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.
That's our motto every night.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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