We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
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I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
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We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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